A Bittersweet Weekend

I have to say right off; it was a wonderful weekend.
I have so many thoughts, so much to say, but I know I will forget somethings important but it was a wonderful, exciting, tearful, emotional and bittersweet November 4th weekend.
I just got home from New Jersey and NYC where I watched my niece Jessica run the New York City Marathon. How brave of her, how wonderful of her, how glorious that she ran the NYC Marathon for herself and for Peter. And I am feeling kinda topsy-turvy right now, I’d like to talk it over with my little brother, but I can't...so kind of in my head I can hear him say. You just have to enjoy it, it is suppose to be fun, if it is too hard, you don't have to do it....
ah, but I did...
There are so many firsts I know I have to go thru without my little brother and I kind of anticipate them like Thanksgiving and Christmas, birthdays and such, but I did not think just being on the plane, listening to RENT would be a first, or traveling to Morristown another 1st..
The day was gray, not so cold I needed a jacket but wonderfully brisk as a fall is suppose to be, (not hot and humid like Florida)... and it reminded me of another time I came to visit Peter and Randy... except Peter isn't here, this time...
I was kind of shocked that I cried so easily just traveling from the airport to Randy's. And Randy just let me be, until we stopped at the store and as we were walking, I was in tears and he wrapped his arms around me and said "I know" ...and he did and does....
Walking up 42nd street was so strange not to see my little brother in front of me by 10 feet or so, not having him turn around and utter some factoid about the building we are passing. Yet Randy was right there walking with me as always. And I didn't want people to see me tear up because, well just because. My sister Barb, my niece Melissa, my big brother Pat with wife Louise, Todd and Laura, they all were there and of course Randy (but not my little brother) Peter loved NYC, it was his town for sure....he introduced most of us to his town.
We met up with Bunny and Donna, people who knew, worked with and loved Peter... Some of us wore the AT&T shirts with TEAM BOYDEN shirts with Peter's name out in front.
We went to the area of the 25th mile, in 2000 we were at the 24 mile mark... it is good that some things are a little different. We met up with another niece Char and Seth, daughters Sarah and Emma. We stood cheering unknown, but very brave, runners on; talked and held the little ones, and then Jessica ran by... How cool was that, she had a big smile and waves for the crowd, after running 25 miles and she still had 1.2 miles to go... she was so smiling!
At dinner we toasted Jessica and Peter...he would have been so proud of Jessica, and all of us... Actually, I know he was proud of all of us...
We honored both Jessica and Peter. Peter was touched by it all, I just know it....
Char told us how when she was feeling stressed out early that morning, Peter reached out and the radio played the Olivia Newton John song "Have you ever been Mellow" Pete had given Char, Olivia Newton Johns Greatest Hits, it was her her very 1st album, with that song on it...(How often have you heard that song?) She knew Pete was just telling her to slow down, it will be alright...
This morning as Randy and I were having breakfast, the song "No Day But Today" was going thru my head... Peter telling me just what I said to Randy, as hard as this is, we are going to be okay. "There's only us, There's only this, Forget regret, Or life is yours to miss, No other road, No other way, No day but today (from Rent)...
But sometimes it is just so hard, so painful to think of Pete not physically being here.
So I have gotten thru some of my firsts, and the thing is, there will be so many more, but as hard as it is, I will go thru each first and know, I have done all this before, it's different now without Peter. (Sometimes I wonder: how can it be that he isn't here)....
Peter sure gave us alot... adventures, fun, walks, laughter, love, smiles, who doesn't go by a HAPPY FACE phone and want to get it for Peter, or a art deco something or statue of Liberty thing, or a toy or M&M's, a thrift shop, who taught us to regift things...he gave us so much more...
I miss my little brother alot.
The highs and lows were the same: It was a wonderful, emotional weekend. I am so glad I went to New Jersey and went to the Marathon... There were lots of those 1sts.
What I learned about myself, What I learned about the group: I love that all our relatives and friend were there... for all of us, it was an emotional weekend, but it is all part of the healing process... and all worth it.

Randy comes here on Thursday for an early Thanksgiving, I am excited on so many levels, and there are a bunch of 1st involved....